Grief is not a straight line

Grief is one of the hardest experiences we will ever face. When someone we love dies, the world can suddenly feel unfamiliar, overwhelming, and deeply painful. As a funeral celebrant supporting families across Lincolnshire, Cambridgeshire, Norfolk, Suffolk, Rutland and Northamptonshire, I often hear people ask the same question:

“Is what I’m feeling normal?”

The honest answer is yes.

Grief affects every single person differently. There is no perfect way to grieve, no timetable, and no right or wrong emotions. Some days you may feel numb. Other days angry, exhausted, tearful, lost, or even strangely calm.

Many people have heard of “the five stages of grief.” While these stages can help us understand some of the emotions we may experience, it is important to remember that grief does not happen in neat steps. You do not complete one stage and move perfectly onto the next.

Sometimes feelings come and go. Sometimes they overlap. Sometimes they return months or years later.

And that is completely normal.

What are the 5 stages of grief?

The five stages of grief were first introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. They were originally written about people facing terminal illness, but over time they became widely used to help explain grief after bereavement too.

The five stages are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Not everyone experiences all five stages, and not everyone experiences them in the same order.

Denial

“This can’t be happening.”

In the early days after someone dies, many people feel numb or disconnected from reality. It can feel impossible to fully process what has happened.

You may find yourself expecting the phone to ring, thinking you have seen them in a crowd, or forgetting for a brief moment that they have died.

Denial is not about pretending the loss has not happened. Often, it is the mind’s way of protecting us from becoming emotionally overwhelmed all at once.

This stage can feel confusing, especially when practical arrangements need to be made, such as registering the death, arranging the funeral, or informing family and friends.

During this time, gentle support matters enormously.

If you are currently arranging a funeral and feel overwhelmed, you are not alone. A caring and supportive celebrant can help guide you through the process with warmth and understanding.

For further information about my funeral services, please click here.

Anger

“Why did this happen?”

Grief can bring anger in many different forms.

Sometimes anger is directed at doctors, hospitals, family members, or even the person who has died. Sometimes it is directed inwardly at ourselves. And sometimes there is simply anger at the unfairness of life itself.

People often feel guilty for being angry, especially after losing someone they deeply loved. But anger is a natural part of grief.

Loss changes our world suddenly and without permission. Anger can be part of trying to make sense of that pain.

I often remind families that emotions during grief are rarely tidy or logical. We are human beings trying to cope with heartbreak.

And heartbreak can be messy.

Bargaining

“If only…”

This stage is often filled with thoughts beginning with “what if” or “if only.”

• If only I had called more often
• If only we had noticed sooner
• If only things had been different

Many grieving people replay conversations, decisions, or moments repeatedly in their minds.

This can be especially difficult after a sudden death or when relationships were complicated.

Bargaining often comes from love. We desperately wish we could change the outcome, even when we know we cannot.

One of the most important things to remember is this:

Most people did the best they could with the knowledge, understanding, and circumstances they had at the time.

Grief has a way of making us carry guilt that was never truly ours to carry.

Depression

“I just feel sad.”

This stage is often where the reality of the loss truly settles in.

The funeral has taken place. Cards and flowers may have stopped arriving. People may begin returning to their normal routines.

But for the person grieving, life may still feel incredibly heavy.

Sadness, exhaustion, loneliness, lack of motivation, changes in sleep, and emotional withdrawal can all be part of grief.

This stage does not necessarily mean clinical depression. It is often a deep natural sadness that comes from loving and missing someone.

Grief can affect every part of daily life.

Even simple tasks can suddenly feel difficult.

During this time, support from family, friends, bereavement organisations, faith communities, or professional counsellors can make a huge difference.

No one should feel they have to face grief alone.

For further information on support after a bereavement, please click here.

Acceptance

“I am learning to carry this.”

Acceptance does not mean “getting over” someone.

It does not mean forgetting them.

And it certainly does not mean the pain disappears.

Acceptance is often about slowly learning how to live alongside the loss. It is about finding a way to move forward while still carrying love and memories with us.

For many people, this can take a long time.

There may still be difficult days. Birthdays, anniversaries, songs, photographs, or familiar places can still trigger grief very deeply.

But over time, many people find that alongside the sadness, they can also begin to smile again, remember happy moments, and speak about their loved one with warmth rather than only pain.

Grief changes shape with time.

Love remains.

There is no right way to grieve

One of the most important things I have learned through supporting bereaved families is that no two grief journeys are ever the same.

Some people cry openly.

Others stay quiet.

Some need to talk constantly.

Others need space and silence.

None of these responses are wrong.

Grief is deeply personal because love is deeply personal.

If you are grieving at the moment, please be gentle with yourself. You do not need to have everything figured out. You do not need to be “strong” all the time.

Sometimes simply getting through the day is enough.

Supporting someone who is grieving

If someone you love is grieving, remember that you do not need perfect words.

Often the most powerful thing you can offer is simply your presence.

• Check in regularly
• Listen without trying to fix everything
• Allow them to talk about the person who died
• Be patient with their emotions
• Continue supporting them after the funeral

Grief does not end after a few weeks.

Support should not either.

Final thoughts

The five stages of grief can help us understand some of the emotions that often come with loss, but grief itself is never a simple process.

It moves in waves.

Some days may feel manageable, while others may feel overwhelming all over again.

That is part of being human.

As a Minister and Celebrant, it is always a privilege to walk alongside families during some of life’s hardest moments. Whether through funeral services, memorials, or simply listening, my role has always been about creating space for people to grieve, remember, and honour the person they love.

And if you are grieving today, I hope you know this:

You are not grieving because you are weak.

You are grieving because you loved deeply.

Those are always the vows people remember most.

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If you would like to talk things through or simply ask a question, please don’t hesitate to get in touch via my contact page. Please click here.

 

The information given in this blog is for information only

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Written by Jon Matson-Higgins, Minister & Celebrant based in Lincolnshire, Cambridgeshire, Norfolk, Suffolk, Rutland and Northamptonshire.