How I Cope with My Own Emotions and Grief as a Funeral Minister and Celebrant, isne of the questions I’m sometimes asked after a funeral service is, “How do you do this work all the time?”

It’s a good question, and one I’m always happy to answer.

The truth is that being a funeral minister and celebrant can be emotionally challenging. It isn’t simply about standing at the front of a chapel and leading a service. It’s about walking alongside people during some of the hardest days of their lives, listening to their stories, supporting them through their grief and helping them say goodbye to someone they love.

Every funeral is about a real person, a real family and a real loss. There is nothing ordinary about that, and I don’t think there ever should be.

To support families properly, I believe you have to remain compassionate. You have to care. If I ever stopped caring, I don’t think I could do this job in the way that families deserve.

The best job in the world, but never the easiest

People often ask me whether this work affects me emotionally.

The simple answer is yes.

I genuinely believe this is one of the most rewarding jobs anyone could do. It is an incredible privilege to be trusted by families at such an important time in their lives, and I never take that trust for granted.

At the same time, it can be incredibly difficult.

You spend time with people who are experiencing heartbreak, shock and sadness. You hear stories of lifelong love, devotion, courage and sacrifice. Sometimes you also hear about difficult relationships, painful memories and lives that have ended far too soon.

Those conversations stay with you because they matter.

Over the years, I’ve also had the privilege of sitting with people during the final hours of their lives. I’ve sat quietly beside families as they waited, held someone’s hand, listened when they needed to talk and simply shared silence when words weren’t enough.

Moments like those are incredibly personal. They stay with you long after the funeral has ended, and they remind me just how important this work really is.

Some funerals never leave you

Every funeral is different, but there are some that stay with me long after the service has finished.

Sometimes it’s because of the circumstances surrounding the death. Sometimes it’s because the person was very young. Sometimes it’s because a family’s story reminds me of my own experiences or my own grief.

Services for babies and children are especially difficult. There isn’t an easy way to stand beside parents saying goodbye to their child without feeling emotional yourself.

Funerals following sudden deaths, serious illness or traumatic events can also be incredibly hard.

Very often, though, it isn’t the speeches that stay with me.

It’s the little moments.

A favourite photograph resting on the coffin.

A piece of music that fills the chapel with memories.

A child placing a drawing beside Mum or Dad.

A husband holding his wife’s hand one final time.

Those moments are unforgettable because they are completely real. They remind me that every funeral is ultimately about love.

I’m human too

One thing people sometimes forget is that funeral ministers and celebrants are human beings too.

Like everyone else, I’ve experienced grief, loss and sadness in my own life. Because of that, there are times when a family’s story touches something very personal inside me.

There have been occasions when I’ve returned to my car after a funeral and simply sat quietly for a few minutes before driving home.

Not because I couldn’t cope, but because I cared.

I think some people imagine that working around funerals makes you emotionally detached.

For me, it’s done the opposite.

If anything, this work has made me more aware of how precious life is and how important it is to be present for people when they need someone most.

Learning to carry the emotion

Over the years, I’ve realised that coping with grief isn’t about switching your emotions off. It’s about learning how to carry them.

Whenever I can, I make time to pause between services. Sometimes I’ll go for a walk. Sometimes I’ll spend time with my family. Sometimes I’ll simply sit quietly for a while before moving on to the next part of the day.

I’ve also learned that looking after my own wellbeing is important.

My role is to walk alongside grieving families, but I also need to make sure I look after myself so I can continue giving every family the time, care and attention they deserve.

I don’t see that as stepping back from the people I support. I see it as making sure I can continue supporting them in the best possible way.

We support each other too

One thing I value enormously is the support that exists within the funeral profession.

Funeral directors, ministers, celebrants, chapel staff and bereavement teams all understand the emotional side of this work because they experience it themselves.

Sometimes all it takes is another colleague quietly saying, “That service affected me too.”

Those conversations matter.

I also think we should talk more openly about emotional wellbeing within the funeral profession. We spend our working lives supporting other people through grief, but we also need to recognise that those who care for others sometimes need support themselves.

Why I wouldn’t choose any other career

Even though this work can be emotionally demanding, I honestly can’t imagine doing anything else.

It is an incredible privilege to help families create a meaningful farewell for someone they love.

Over the years I’ve witnessed extraordinary kindness, remarkable courage and the most incredible acts of love.

I’ve seen families come together through heartbreak and celebrate lives that have made a real difference to those around them.

Although funerals begin because someone has died, they are also about a life that has been lived and the people whose lives have been touched along the way.

That’s what stays with me most.

Grief is different for everyone

One of the biggest lessons this work has taught me is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Some people cry.

Some people laugh while sharing memories.

Some people become very practical.

Others struggle to find any words at all.

Every reaction is different, and every person’s grief is their own.

The same is true for those of us who work in funeral care.

We aren’t immune to sadness.

We’re simply people doing our very best to support other people through one of life’s most difficult experiences.

Why I keep coming back

People sometimes assume that being around death all the time makes you somehow immune to grief.

For me, it has done the complete opposite.

This work has taught me not to take life for granted. It has reminded me how important family is, how much kindness matters and how deeply people can love one another.

It has also taught me that grief doesn’t simply disappear. Over time, we learn how to carry it while continuing to live our lives.

If you’re reading this because you’ve recently lost someone, I hope you know that whatever you’re feeling is okay.

And if you’re someone who spends your life supporting others through grief, remember to be kind to yourself as well.

Feeling emotional doesn’t make you weak.

It doesn’t mean you’re not coping.

It simply means you’re human.

For me, that’s exactly as it should be.

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If you would like to learn more about me, my background, and the services I offer, please visit my About Jon Matson-Higgins page or my Funeral Celebrant page.

I have created some basic information to help guide what to do after someone passes away, and some resources to support bereavement. I understand that planning a ceremony can sometimes feel overwhelming, so if you have any questions or would simply like an informal chat, please feel free to contact me through my contact page.

 

The information given in this blog is for information only

Written by Jon Matson-Higgins, Minister & Celebrant based in Lincolnshire, Cambridgeshire, Norfolk, Suffolk, Rutland and Northamptonshire