One of the questions families sometimes ask me before a funeral is:

“Should we bring the children?”

Very often, this question becomes even more emotional when a child is autistic, has ADHD, sensory needs, anxiety, or finds unfamiliar situations difficult.

Personally, I want to gently reassure families that children are absolutely welcome at funerals, memorials, cremation services, and celebrations of life.

In many cases, children actually cope better when they are included rather than excluded.

The key is preparation, understanding, flexibility, and removing pressure.

Every child is different.

Every family is different.

And there is no perfect way for a child to experience grief.

Children experience grief differently

Over the years, I have seen that children often experience grief very differently from adults.

Some children cry openly.

Others ask practical questions.

Some may seem emotional one moment and then suddenly want to play or talk about something completely unrelated the next.

Children with autism or ADHD may process grief differently again.

An autistic child may:

• Need routine and predictability
• Ask repeated questions
• Become overwhelmed by noise, crowds, or emotion
• Struggle with unfamiliar environments
• Need clear and direct explanations

A child with ADHD may:

• Find sitting still difficult
• Become restless during long services
• Talk or move during quiet moments
• Become emotionally overwhelmed quickly
• Struggle with concentration

Personally, I believe it is important to remember that none of this is “bad behaviour”.

It is simply how some children experience and process the world around them.

Should children attend a funeral?

Personally, I believe that attending the funeral can often help children understand what has happened and allow them to feel included in saying goodbye.

Sometimes adults try to protect children by excluding them, but occasionally this can leave a child confused, anxious, or feeling separated from what the rest of the family is experiencing.

That does not mean every child should attend.

Some children may not want to.

Others may only manage part of the service.

And honestly, that is completely alright.

There should never be pressure placed upon a child.

Preparing an autistic or ADHD child for a funeral

Preparation can make an enormous difference, especially for autistic children who may feel safer when they know exactly what to expect.

I often encourage families to explain:

• Where the funeral will take place
• What the building may look like
• How many people may be there
• That people may cry or become upset
• What music may sound like
• How long the service may last
• What will happen during the funeral

Personally, I always feel that simple and honest explanations work best.

I would usually avoid phrases such as:

• “Gone to sleep”
• “Lost”
• “Passed away”

Some children can interpret these very literally, which may create fear or confusion.

Gentle but clear explanations are often far more reassuring.

Visiting the crematorium or venue beforehand

If possible, I often recommend visiting the crematorium, church, or venue beforehand.

Many autistic children especially find comfort in seeing the environment before the actual day of the funeral.

This can help reduce anxiety and remove some of the fear of the unknown.

It also gives children the opportunity to become familiar with:

• The chapel
• Seating arrangements
• Entrances and exits
• Lighting
• Sounds
• Toilets
• Quiet areas

As a celebrant and minister, I am always happy to support this where possible because I know how much difference familiarity can make.

Sensory needs at funerals

Funerals can sometimes feel overwhelming for children with sensory sensitivities.

There may be:

• Loud music
• Organ music
• Microphones
• Crowds of people
• Bright lighting
• Emotional conversations
• Strong floral smells
• Long periods of sitting quietly

Some children may benefit from bringing:

• Noise-cancelling headphones
• Fidget toys
• Snacks or drinks
• A comfort item
• A favourite toy or blanket

Personally, I would far rather a child feel safe and regulated than worry about them “sitting perfectly” throughout the service.

Funerals are about people, love, remembrance, and support, not perfection.

Giving children permission to leave

One of the most important things I often say to families is this:

Children do not need to stay for the entire service.

It is completely alright for a parent or trusted adult to quietly step outside with them if needed.

Sometimes simply knowing they are allowed to leave can actually reduce a child’s anxiety.

Children with ADHD may struggle with sitting still for long periods.

Autistic children may suddenly become emotionally or sensory overwhelmed.

That is not a disruption.

That is simply a child trying to cope with a difficult environment and situation.

Involving children within the funeral

Many children cope better when they feel included.

Depending on their age and comfort level, they may wish to:

• Place a flower on the coffin
• Draw a picture
• Write a letter
• Choose a piece of music
• Light a candle
• Help choose photographs
• Share a memory

Even very small acts of involvement can help children feel connected and included.

There is no perfect way to grieve

One of the things I gently remind families is that children may move in and out of grief very quickly.

A child may cry one moment and then ask for a snack the next.

They may laugh, play, or become distracted.

This is normal.

Children process grief differently from adults.

Autistic and ADHD children may also express grief through:

• Withdrawal
• Increased energy
• Shutdowns
• Meltdowns
• Anxiety
• Behaviour changes

What matters most is patience, reassurance, and allowing children to process emotions in their own way.

Creating More Inclusive Funeral Services

Personally, I believe funeral services should feel welcoming and inclusive for everybody attending, including children with additional needs.

When I work with families, I always try to create services that feel warm, gentle, understanding, and supportive.

Sometimes this may mean:

• Keeping language simple
• Explaining what will happen
• Allowing flexibility
• Supporting sensory needs
• Reducing pressure on families
• Creating space for children to simply be children

A funeral is about love, remembrance, and support.

Nobody should feel judged for how they grieve or cope.

Things to think about 

If you are worried about bringing an autistic or ADHD child to a funeral, please know you are not alone.

Many families worry about how their child may respond or whether others may judge them.

In reality, most people understand that grief is difficult for everybody, including children.

There is no such thing as the “perfect funeral”.

What matters most is creating an environment where children feel safe, supported, included, and loved.

Sometimes the smallest moments become the most meaningful.

A drawing placed beside flowers.

A hand resting on the coffin.

A cuddle during a quiet moment of reflection.

These moments matter too.

If you would like to learn more about me, my background, and the services I offer, please visit my About Jon Matson-Higgins page or my Funeral Celebrant page.

I have created some basic information to help guide what to do after someone passes away, and some resources to support bereavement. I understand that planning a ceremony can sometimes feel overwhelming, so if you have any questions or would simply like an informal chat, please feel free to contact me through my contact page.

 

The information given in this blog is for information only

Written by Jon Matson-Higgins, Minister & Celebrant based in Lincolnshire, Cambridgeshire, Norfolk, Suffolk, Rutland and Northamptonshire